Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally away from location. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")

And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have One more put exactly where American Adult males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: give everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Trump Tower Damascus

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be smooth energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a element getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after getting the creating's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It really is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Functions

Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium where attendees may ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The project is by now attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will even incorporate:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a resort where my PTSD may have switch-down support."

A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews recommend:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."